Holiday Gift Giving Guide for the People Who Piss You Off

Bad as in evil, or bad as in bad? You decide.
Bad as in evil, or bad as in bad? You decide.

So as the end-of-year looms, I find I have a few gifts still to buy, mostly for for people that annoy me, or due to situations that annoy me, which is why I’ve put the shopping off for this long in the first place.

Just because it’s the season of giving, I thought I’d share my plans for some of the more interesting challenges on my santa list.

The Kid you weren’t going to Get Anything For, except their Parents got your Kid Something, so Now You Have To

donut seeds

At least half and hour of entertainment. For you, that is. Who knows if the kid will like it, and really, who cares? My four year old wouldn’t fall for this, so if he’s going to dig in the frozen earth with his sausage-fingers, is it really your fault if his slobbering greed ends up on a flipcam and, thence, the internet? These things happen.

The coworker who got you a fancy card and some cheap-ass chocolate crap that’ll make you fat or make you sick
You have a couple options here. The goal is long-term discomfort.

Nose hair clippers.
Nose hair clippers.

This isn’t bad. With this gift, you pretty much insure a six-month period of self-conscious nostril rubbing. If you’re lucky, it’ll turn into a nervous tic. If you have the acting chops for it, though, I recommend…

Are they not ADORABLE?!
Are they not ADORABLE?!

The key elements here are twofold. First, you have to pull off an earnest, smiling, heartfelt delivery of the gift. You have to really sell the idea that you put a lot of thought into this thing, and that you really think they reflect the coworker’s wacky ‘personality’. Second, you have to make sure it’s not just one doll. Shoot for a half dozen or so.

In combination, this will ensure that your target will feel compelled to display the things in their work area, and that the quantity will imbue them with a kind of weight. Momentum. What I’m saying is that with so many troll dolls on his desk, it’s only natural that people will give him more. It will become a thing. His thing. Whether he wills it or no.


The family member you drew for “secret” Santa who has no wishlist, only mentioned three things she wants (one of which her husband already picked up, cuz he doesn’t know what to fucking buy for her either), and who lives halfway across the country

Might I suggest a gift card for a chain of stores that boasts few or no outlets in their geographic area? You might imagine you want one with no online store as well, but that’s thinking small: it’s far more appropriate to select based on how painful their shopping interface is. For instance, a c-note’s worth of purchasing power at should inflict the kind of blood pressure spike you’re looking for this holiday season.

No, not really, but if you’re really stuck for a gift, might I suggesting giving someone a goat? Or maybe a bunch of chicks. Or a duck. It’ll make you feel good — better than you do thinking of all these jerks who make your last-minute shopping difficult.

Baa. Humbug.
Baa. Humbug.

(Plus, they can’t bitch about it without sounding like a complete jackass. Bonus.)

Pomplamoose – Always in the Season

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